Can’t Beat ‘Em With a Stick

Whenever the holidays roll around, I spend a lot of time thinking about my late mother. I won’t re-hash a lot of personal pondering, but one thing I’ll always recall about her is her use of southern colloquillisms.

Not just her, of course. My dad, other family members, and family friend grew up in an age where creativity in personal speech was a given. Being able to describe something in a vivid, colorful way was a valued skill, a way to express your intelligence via slang.

These phrases creep into my speech even now (much to the amusement of friends and co-workers) and I hope I may never lose my affection for them. Some samples:

Temperment

• “He’s so mean he could hunt bear with a switch”.
• “Meaner than dog shittin’ tacks”.
• “Meaner/sorrier than a broke-dick dog”.
• “Happier than a dog with two peters”.
• “Happier than a pig in shit”.
• “Slicker ‘n snot on a doorknob”. (To be “slick” is slang for “charming with intent to deceive”)
• “‘Slicker ‘n a cat’s ass”/”Slick as snail snot”/”Slicker ‘n the devil in velvet pants”/”Slicker’n grass thru a goose”/”Slicker’n snot on a brass doorknob/”Slicker’n goose grease on a glass doorknob.”
• “He could sell a drowning man a glass of water”/”He could talk the dogs off of a meat truck”
• “All hat and no cattle” (more of a Western phrase. Similar to to saying someone is “All bark and no bite”, although that phrase is specifically about the nature of someone’s threat. “All hat and no cattle” means someone can talk a big game but has poor follow-through”).
• “He acts like he’s ten feet tall and bullet-proof.”
• “He would steal the shitball from a blind tumblebug, give him a marble and put him on the wrong road home.” (an incredibly dishonest person)
• “He’d want a new rope to be hung” (a very picky person)
• “She’s just eat up with sorry” (Very lazy. In the South, “sorry” is roughly synonymous with “lazy”, but it indicates worse than lazy. A lazy person might be redeemed; a sorry person there’s no hope for.)
• “So narrow- minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes”

Intelligence/Common Sense

• “Ain’t got the good sense God gave gravel”.
• “She’s dumb as a sack of hair”.
• “Dumb as a box of rocks.”
• “He’s dumber than a day old pig.”
• “He’s so dumb, he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot”.
• “She’s about as bright as a 10-watt bulb”.
• “He couldn’t drive a boot up a mule’s ass with the directions written on the toe.”
• “He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the bottom”
• “She’s so dumb, she couldn’t find her ass with two hands and a flashlight”
• “He’s one ass-kicking away from being a pretty nice fella”.
• “He is ten pounds of stupid (shit) in a five pound bag.”
• “If you put her brains in a thimble they’d rattle like road apples in a bushel basket”

Appearance

• “He’s as ugly as a pan of worms.”
• “She’s uglier than homemade sin”.
• “He’s uglier than a mud fence”.
• “She looks like she was rode hard and put up wet” (These days, thanks to the use of the word “rode”, the phrase now has an unfortunately sexual connotation. However, if you’ve ever seen a horse that has been “rode hard” and then not given a good rub-down and clean-up before being returned to stable, you’ll understand how this phrase came into use).
• “He looks like he was hit with a bag of nickels”
• “She looks like the northbound side of a southbound mule”
• “His head’s wore out two bodies” (he looks older than his years)
• “Big as a house and twice as ugly”.
• “She could eat corn through a picket fence” (describing a buck-toothed person)
• “Built like a brick shit-house”.
• “He’s easier to jump over than walk around”.
• “It looks like she’s been set on fire and put out with a shoe”. (Also heard: “It looks like her face caught fire and they beat it out with a rake.”)
• “He looks like he was drug through a knothole backwards”/”pulled through a bush backwards”
• “She looks like rats nested in her hair last night”/”Her hair looks like a hornet’s nest”
• “She looks like she combed her hair with an egg beater”
• “He looks like the backside of bad weather”
• “He looks like five miles of bad road”.
• “She’s so ugly, she’d make a freight train take a dirt road”.
• “He’s so ugly, tears run down the back of his head.”
• “She’s got a face like a foot” (see Sarah Jessica Parker. Also “She’s got a face like a man’s knee”).
• “She’s got tits like a fried egg hanging on a nail”
• “He had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle”.
• “Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp
• “Face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle
• “Face like a bee keepers apprentice
• “Face like a sand blasted tomato
• “……………….cobblers thumb
• “……………….boiled fist
• “……………….welders bench etc etc
• “More chins than a Chinese phone book”
• “Fatter than a tick on a coon dog”
• “Last time I saw an ass like that Lester Piggot was whipping it”
• “As tall as a Georgia pine”
• “Knee-high to a grasshopper” (a short person, usually a child: “Why, I haven’t seen you since you were Knee-high to a grasshopper!”)
• For someone skinny: “He looks like a bag of antlers”.
• “If she turned sideways she wouldn’t cast a shadow” (another skinny person)
• “She’s prettier than a speckled pup in a red wagon”
• “When she walks away, it looks like two cats fighting in a bag” (This is a compliment–it refers to the attractive way a woman swings her hips)

Weather

• “Rainin’ like a cow pissing on a flat rock”.
• “It’s raining pitchforks and plowhandles”
• “Cold as a witch’s tit”. (sometimes “in a brass bra” is added to the end of that phrase)
• “Colder than a whore’s heart”
• “Hotter than two rats fuckin’ in a wool sock”.
• “Hotter than a June bride in a featherbed”
• “Hotter than a two dollar pistol”
• “So hot it’d burn the hair off a pig’s back”
• Deep snow is sometimes referred to as “asshole deep to a tall indian.”

Activities and Conditions

• “Busier than a bird-dog in featherin’ season”/”Busier than a one- eyed cat watching nine rat holes” (More well -known versions include “Busy as a one-armed paper hanger” and “Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest”)
• “Faster than shit through a tin horn”.
• “Shaking like a dog shitting peach seeds”/”Shaking like a dog shitting razorblades”
• “Sweating like a whore in church”.
• “She works harder than a country mule”
• “He was so confused, he didn’t know whether to shit or go blind”. (I have also heard: “I was so confused, I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted” and “Didn’t know whether to scratch my ass or wind my watch”)
• “Tits in a wringer” (meaning caught in an awful situation)
• “She’s got more _____________ than Carter’s got pills”
• “He’s a hard dog to keep on the porch”
• “Shining like a diamond in a goat’s ass.” (Which is use to refer to either a clean place within a messy place or a person doing a good job among idiots.)
• “We’re living at the foot of the cross” (at a lucky occurrence)
• When someone cant resist interfering with whatever you’re doing: “You just hold the tail; I’m fuckin’ this cat” (I’ve heard the reverse of this, namely: “You’re the one fucking this cat, I’m just holding the tail.”)
• “She’d be late for own own funeral”
• ” Handier than side pockets on a toad’s ass”
• “I’m finer’n frog hair and twice as fluffy.” (I’m feeling really good!)
• “Can’t hear thunder” (said of someone whose hearing is going)
• “Madder than spit on a griddle” (really pissed)
• “I’m so mad I could chew nails, and fart tacks” (really pissed)
• “She was fit to be tied” (really, really pissed)
• “He’s shittin in high cotton” (Everythings coming up roses. See also: “The cotton is high and the fish are jumpin’”)
• “It’s as plain as a pig on a sofa.”

Expressions of Contempt

• “I wouldn’t piss on his teeth if his mouth was on fire”
• “I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.”
• “They’re just tryin’ to cut a fat hog” (they’re asking for more than it’s worth; they’re greedy)
• “He didn’t get here on a paved road”
• “Don’t call him a cowboy, ’til you’ve seen him ride.”
• Threat: “I’ll beat you like a rented mule/red-headed step-child”
• “Useful as tits on a boar”. (mean utterly useless, of course. Also “Worthless as tits on a boar hog”)
• “As useful as tits on a door”
• “Useless as tits on a tomcat”
• “As useless as a milk bucket under a bull”
• “Couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a bass fiddle”
• “Couldn’t fall off a fence in a wind storm” (Southerners really don’t like useless people)
• “I called him everything but a child of God”
• “Wouldn’t say soo-ee if the pigs were eating him” (he’s lazy)
• “He’s so clumsy he’s like a bear cub playing with his pecker”
• “She’s tighter than bark on a tree” (she’s very tight with her money. see also “tighter than Dick’s hat band”, “tighter than a frog’s ass underwater”, “tighter than a pig in a whorehouse chimney”, and “tighter than a preacher’s dick in a cat’s ass.”)

General Expressions

• “That dog won’t hunt” (that’s a bad idea, that won’t work)
• “That’s as crooked as a dog’s hind leg.” (a dishonest situation. see also “Crooked as a bedspring” and “Crookeder than a barrel of fish hooks”)
• Expressing surprise or disbelief: “Well fry my legs and call ‘em drumsticks.”
• Said of someone who’s been dead a while: “There’s not enough left of him to spread on toast”.
• A foul odor: “liable to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon”
• Of things that are none of my business and I don’t want to get involved: “Not my pig, not my farm”. (See also: “I don’t have a dog in that fight”)
• “Bad news rides a fast horse” (Bad news travels fast)
• Of someone who’s poor: “He doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of”
• “If steamboats were selling for a dime a dozen, I couldn’t buy the echo of the whistle.”
• “I need ___ like Custer needs Indians”
• “I may have been born yesterday, but I stayed up all night.” (Translation: I’m not THAT much of a fool. See also “”I was born yesterday, but I got up early.”)
• “Do you want your dinner now, or when you get it?”
• “I’m so hungry I could eat my elbows.” (see also “I could eat a horse and chase the driver”)
• To encourage guests to leave: “Here’s your hat. What’s your hurry?” (Also: “Well, I better go to bed so these nice people can go home.”)
• “I’m gonna have a Come to Jesus meeting with him” (I’m gonna give him one last chance to shape up)
• “About as broad as it is long” (equivalent to “six one way, half-dozen the other”)
• “Went to the outhouse to do his business and the hogs ate him ” (“I have no idea where he is”. See also: “I haven’t seen hide nor hair of ‘em”)

Retorts (when someone asks a pointless question or makes a pointless observation)

• “Well, people in hell want ice water; that don’t mean that they get it.”
• “If the dog hadn’t stopped to shit, he’d have caught the rabbit.”

Child: I wish [wish goes here]
Grandma: Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one gets filled first

• To an impatient request: “Would you like shit or a sandwich? You can have the shit right now, but the sandwich will take a little while to make.”
• “That’s life in the putty knife factory”
• “If you were born to be shot, you’ll never drown.” (Don’t worry about things you can’t change)
• “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”
• “Something in the milk ain’t clean” (something’s wrong, something’s suspicious.)
• “Water is bad enough in your shoes; why do you want it in your stomach?” (Translation: “Have some alcohol instead”)
• “I didn’t do enough to break Sunday” (I didn’t get anything done)
• “Lord willin’ and the Creek don’t rise” (“If all goes well”. See also “Lord willin’ and the clothesline don’t fall down”)